Last night I gave a talk at Hualalai Academy on the Big Island of Hawaii. The topic was “End Homework Torture NOW!” I went along with my program until suddenly a parent said, “But what about a life for my kid?!” She relayed that her son spends 4-5 hours a night on homework, then another parent mirrored the same drudge of hours saying that she was up until midnight with her daughter the night before. The dark circles under her eyes were telling. So this is what I said:
There comes a point when you might need to choose: Do you want your child to strive for As, is that most important to you, or do you choose to settle for Bs and Cs and enjoy life a little?
Neither choice is right or wrong. Your child needs structure, and I think we all agree on that. And certainly, the most recommended way to do homework is right after school, before phone, video games, friends, etc. Once your child has checked in with you and you’ve perused their work, THEN the games can begin. This keeps your household sane, provides time to be a family and gets the dirty deed out of the way!
The exception is if your child willingly does their homework without excuse or giving you grief, then they may relax first. But my most important concern is YOU and your family’s health. If this doesn’t work, go to the structure.
I had a client whose Jr. High daughter, I’ll call her Sue, was wreaking havoc on the family. Sue hated homework and resented having to do it- and hated everyone else in the process! Doors slammed, yelling flew, and spiteful comments flourished- until I was called on the scene. I enlightened my client to the fact that Sue was dominating the family, and that her suffering until late hours was harmful to the family peace.
I proposed a strategy of structure, homework done immediately after school, and no fun stuff until Sue ended her misery. Homework that wasn’t finished before 8pm was incomplete. Mom and Dad were there to help Sue as long as she was respectful and appreciative to them.
It worked. Sue began to bloom after the initial 2 weeks of chafing, but in essence, we ‘saved Sue from herself.’ Sometimes we give our children so much rein that they don’t know what to do with it, so tasks go on forever. But with a little structure, your child will eventually work within the boundaries you’ve set, and be GREATLY relieved!
So, Homework or Not? You may just decide that you want to have more fun with your child and your family. You may decide that there’s just plain too much homework. And this is a fine choice, too. I explained in my talk that even though to them it may seem that their parenting job will never end, it actually does.
I told of Mark’s 17th birthday when he handed me a paper to sign permitting him to join the Marines. He told me point-blank, that whether I signed it or not, he was going to enlist at 18, that this was his calling, and I knew deep down inside that it was true; always the scout, army Halloween costumes, Army Navy Surplus Store fascination, my son is a born soldier. I couldn’t deny him his passion, so I signed. He went to Iraq and I wasn’t clear whether I’d see my most precious person on the face of the earth again!
They DO go away. Count on that. And how do you want to spend your time for those amazingly potent 18 years? I believe that the crux is in balance. How do you spend oodles of time with them, give them a fun life and still teach follow-through, keeping commitments, doing good work and other things that guarantee high self-image? I guess we do both- boycott homework to an extent and do homework as much as you are willing for the quality of life you want in your family.
That’s what I did, and I’m eternally grateful.
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