Yesterday I got this question via email:
“Wondered if you could shed some light on this subject?
I am a Mom of 3, and my youngest daughter (age 19) just ran off and got married to someone we don’t know! She is diagnosed bipolar and had been on meds for awhile, etc. but irrational decisions are much a part of her personality! As I am very close to her, I am just so upset over this, and cannot seem to cope. She has told me she is happy but I have heard this before, but of course I know there really is nothing I can do. I need to help myself now, and just need some type of help coping. Hopefully, you may have some insight on this, and perhaps a little guidance for a distraught Mom!”
Dear Distraught Mom:
You are right- this is your time. Your daughter may be bi-polar and irrationality may be part of this, but it’s really out of your hands. Please let her know that you are there for her no matter what, and in the right time, she’ll come to you. But for now, your hands are tied.
The most important thing is to believe that she’s done the best for herself at this point in time. She is an adult and on her long, and adventurous life without Mom. Please always support her choices if she says she’s happy, and only give advice if she asks for it. This will keep you in the loop. You want to set the stage so she’s not humiliated or feels an “I told you so” coming from you. This will make it immensely easier to come back. When she says she’s happy, say that you are so glad, and keep it light. Ask what she’s been doing and just chat, keeping the channels open.
Now for you, my dear. You must calm your nerves. This is the moment we all dread as mothers- When our babies leave. Realize that she’s 19, whole and complete. It’s time for her to make her own mistakes. All you can do at this point is to make her comfortable with your relationship and wanting more of you. You do this by chilling and taking care of you. Find what YOU want to do, indulge in hobbies, volunteering, visiting. It’s time to discover who you are again. And enjoy. This is the best time of your life.
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