“Lorraine, my heart is just BREAKING! My son, who as you know is the light of my life, is calling me over-protective, old-fashioned and unreasonable because I’m not letting him go to the movies with his girlfriend (what?) and his friend and HIS friend’s girlfriend. His friend’s parent is dropping them off, and this is supposed to be cool, even though I haven’t met the Dad or the son, and didn’t even know my son HAD a girlfriend.
“He says that he’s going to be unpopular with his friends if I need to meet the parents and the kids before he can get together with them. My darling boy, who’s been compliant until now, is just 11 ½ years old. Am I being unreasonable to say no to this and that I want to meet his friend, his girlfriend and this Dad?”
“Dear Breaking Heart,
“You are so right to be alarmed and to put your foot down! In fact, if you don’t, he’ll probably resent you later because you didn’t care enough about him to find these things out. It’s most important is that you feel comfortable about who influences your son. You can, and I feel that you should, control this, especially at 11 years old, for goodness sake! Follow your instinct. Trust your inner voice. No one knows better than a parent, what’s going on in their child’s life- IF they pay attention to their inner guidance.
“What happens a lot of times is parents get confused and overwhelmed by this sudden shift in their child’s behavior and are caught off-guard; their family’s sailing along in pretty calm waters, and all of a sudden the storms set in. Everyone’s off-balance and the child comes into command because the parent doesn’t want to be unpopular- they miss the closeness they once had when their child was younger. The stunned mom or dad scurry about trying to make sense of this new season in their child’s development.
“What’s really going on here is normal individuating. This occurs roughly at 2 years old and again at 12 years old, and is an imperative segment in your child’s healthy development. This is when your child exercises their independence and learns to stretch their wings, as well they should, because if they didn’t, they’d never leave and you’d never have a life!
“But, don’t make the mistake of striving to be popular with your child at the expense of your inner-knowing. As you are firm yet reasonable, and stick to your convictions about what you can tolerate and what you cannot, your son will learn that you are still the parent and that there’s LOTS to discuss now. You’ve both entered the wild-west, and you’re certainly a pioneer now in your own parenting journey.
“It comes down to this: When you can say, ‘I love you more than my own convenience- I answer to a Higher Source about how I raise you. It’s not my job to have you love me or like me, but it IS my job to do the Right Parent Thing.’ Then it all falls into place.
“Myself, I was so freaked out at this phase of my parenting that I chose to hire 2 counselors to help me navigate these uncharted waters with my son.
“But when he was 19 and away at college, he called to thank me that I hadn’t let him walk all over me when he was a teen. If you do it right, your son will say the same thing to you. Check out my year-long coaching program, “The Closeness You Crave: Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect To You” at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com for all the support and guidance you’ll need to finish off your stellar parenting career.
“I applaud you for your courage. It takes a brave soul to follow your heart at this juncture. You are doing the right thing. Stand strong and trust your inner voice to carry you through to the end. I am here for you. I love you.”
Email your questions and comments to: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com. Please put ‘Ask Aunt Lorraine’ in the subject.
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Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.
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