“Ask Aunt Lorraine”
Out-Of-Control Teen:
I have an out-of-control teen. He’s really rude to me and I can’t seem to stop it. He’s a good boy who gets good grades, but his mouth is really disrespectful. I know he loves me, but how can I stop this mouthiness and name-calling?
Dear Mom Deserving Respect:
Well, my dear, these issues do not form overnight, so the fix will take some time. But if you truly love your son, these are the steps you need to take NOW!
1- Sit him down in a calm time and tell him that you’ve made a terrible mistake by allowing him to talk to you this way.
2- Tell him that you are truly sorry for not doing the “Right Parent Thing.”
3- Announce that some things are changing starting right now.
4- He is now expected to contribute to the family without using abusive words or attitudes. Ask him to choose and commit to doing 2 daily tasks, 3 weekly tasks and 1 monthly task that helps your family run smoothly. It’s important that these contributions are not done in exchange for money- these are his contributions, just like everyone else’s contributions.
5- He also is expected to take care of his own laundry, keep his room clean, and help with dinner, setting the table and cleaning the dishes.
6- Explain that these contributions are to be finished before any extracurricular activities take place, and that he can be excused after you’ve checked and approved his work.
7- If abusive words or attitudes come from him, you’re ready to remove privileges: Time with friends; Phone privileges; Computer privileges; TV time.
8- Be prepared for a time of testing when he sees if you really mean what you say. You MUST do what you say you will do- if you don’t, your credibility goes down the toilet. (Because of your son’s ingrained habits, you may only have a couple of good chances left to restore him.)
9- When you’re shaking in your boots and feeling intimidated, say, “I love you enough to put you above my own convenience. It’s not my job for you to love me or to like me- It’s my job to do ‘The Right Parent Thing’.”
10- Slowly watch the fruits of your labor pay off. When you remove privileges and are consistent, he’ll learn that HE chooses whether or not he gets to do the things he wants.
Why is this so important? Besides getting the respect you deserve, you’re making an example of him to your other children (if you have others)- they’ll learn that you mean business and don’t mess with Mom. You’re training him how to act in the real world and how to do things he doesn’t really want to do- like respect an employer.
Most important, you’re showing him how to treat women. Requiring that he speak respectfully to you shows him how to treat his girlfriends and wife later.
The keys are to be consistent, do what you say you will, and be prepared for a storm, but never give up! Your efforts will be worth it. Great luck and blessings to you!
Send Lorraine Pursell, MA, BCET, “The Parent Mentor,” your questions at lorraine@lorrainepursell.com.
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