Archive for February, 2009

The Prize of The Parenting Village

Published
by
LorraineP
on February 18, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

We just finished a stellar coaching call for February in my program, The Closeness You Crave: How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect with You! (www.ClosenessYoucrave.com). What a joy! One parent said, “This is the village we no longer have!” Yes. Whatever happened to the Villages of long ago? /well, they’re being replaced by coaching programs, mother’s groups, father’s groups, home schooling groups, parent forums. It’s a marvelous movement and it inspires again my faith in my species.

Back in the day there were villages- small groups of clans who lived and worked together. Everyone looked after each others’ children. Sobonfu Somé (”The Spirit of Intimacy,” Harper Quill, New York, 2002) did not know who her mother was until she was 6 in her African village, Dagara. I am charmed as I read her accounts of ‘Aunties’ raising her with all the other village children in one big family, learning appropriate behavior and acceptable customs. We have villages here in Hawai’i; older women are called Aunties, there is respect for elders and ‘family’ is King.

But maybe it’s the bussing to homogenizing schools that breaks up the village. Lorraine Rodero Inouye who valiantly ran for mayor of The Big Island of Hawai’i, wanted to restore the self-sustaining villages that once existed- each section has its own markets, hospitals, farms, ranchers, schools, and all needs are met by its residents. All worked together for the good of the community; love, loyalty and pride for one’s village thrived.

Today, we’ve inspired new ways to be supported in raising our children. Whether you’re Democrat, Republican or in-between, Hillary’s proclamation the “It Takes a Village” is true for this important role.

I have teleclasses to create community. My parent community stretches from Hawai’i to Canada, Illinois and places in between. Because we’re so spread out these days, we’re only a phone call and email away and the closeness is felt by parents sharing like incidences and situations: an ADD child here, a strong-willed teen there, a baby’s colic here, an insecure kindergartener there. “How do I make thus-and-such happen? What do I do about this-and-that?”

As the parent expert I usually have an answer for just about every situation, but the beauty is that other parents contribute to the answer and solve the issue altogether. I hear over and over,” it’-so-nice-to-know-I’m-not-alone-in-this” sigh of relief often. It really is a ‘Parent Master-Mind” where all great like-minded parents contribute to the well-being of the whole- our global community.

It’s a marvelous thing watching the village’s wisdom unfold. What wisdom do you have to share? How can you comfort a worried parent? How would you solve a parent’s problem? We’re waiting to hear!

If you are looking for the support of a community- people who’ve ‘got your back,’ we’re here. You’re welcome to check us out. www.ClosenessYouCrave.com.

We’d love to have you with us. It’s warm in here. We shield each other from the storms. We love each others’ children. We care about you as a parent immensely.

-Lorraine

Your questions and comments are welcome: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com with ‘Evolving Parent’ in the subject, or P.O.Box 555, Honaunau, Hawai’i  96726. Thanks!

You may use this article only if you add the following entirely:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and educational therapist, has empowered thousands of parents, kids and educators. To raise responsible kids who connect with you, go to www.ClosenessYouCrave.com. Claim your FR*EE monthly ‘Parent Empowerment 3-Pack’ at www.LorrainePursell.com.

#1 Reason Your Child Won’t Do Homework

Published
by
LorraineP
on February 17, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

It’s one of the 3 biggest complaints I hear from parents: “My child won’t get to his homework, or finish it, or it takes FOREVER.”

I’m sure it won’t take much for you to remember why you didn’t want to do yours, either. It’s not fun. Plain and simple- it’s just not fun. Your child has been at school all day, now they get to have more of the same at home, in their sanctuary and refuge (brother, will it ever end?)

Probably not. A wise man in one of my California workshops pointed out that homework never ends. As you mentally trace your own adult life, how much homework do you think you have? When you add it up, it’s quite a lot: bills, bank statements, IRS forms, applications to fill out, calls to return, emails to answer. I don’t want to depress you, but it’s a fact of life. Homework never goes away. So even though we hate it, handling it is a life skill your child will need to succeed.

So how do we make peace with the beast? Since it is no fun, let me give you some tips over this next series of articles to at least bring it a little further up the fun meter. Here’s today’s tip:

Make a welcoming, comfortable place for your child to do their homework. I do not recommend sticking your child in their room to do their homework. Even though this may seem counter-intuitive, what would you do if you were left alone in your room with all your cool stuff? I know what I’d do- I’d be playing, drawing pictures on the windows, ANYTHING but homework!

Create a nice, quiet corner, somewhere outside their room, where they can nestle in and GET IT DONE. Give them a special lamp with good light. Let them decorate this cubby the way they want. Maybe they want to draw something for the wall and hang it up. Give them a sense of pride and nurturing in this special spot.

If a corner is not available, then the kitchen table will do. (This is a good time to train others that this is a quiet time- more on this in the series.)

Equip their special homework place with all the erasable pens, sharpened pencils, erasers, rulers, crayons and fresh paper needed to feel well-stocked and taken care of. School is your child’s career for now. Teach him or her to take pride (another how-to tip coming later) in their work. Keep this area clean, neat and tidy and keep supplies in a caddy that can be removed for meal times.

Another nurturing idea is to just ask your child where at the table that they’d like to be their ‘spot.’ This means a lot to them- your son or daughter will feel some ownership in the location. Encourage them to move from place to place until they find the one that feels just right, like Goldilocks.

You can even construct cardboard walls that sit on the table, like a study carrel in the library, so they feel less distracted.

Want to learn how to be Your Child’s Best Homework Coach? This is one of the amazing classes I teach in The Closeness You Crave: How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect with You! You can check it out at www.ClosenessYouCrave.com.

Until next time, have a blast in your Greatest Job on Earth!
-Lorraine

Send your questions and comments to: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com with ‘Evolving Parent’ in the subject, or to P.O. Box 555, Honaunau, Hawai’i 96726. Thank you!

Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and educational therapist, has empowered thousands of parents, kids and educators. To raise responsible kids who connect with you, go to www.ClosenessYouCrave.com. Claim your FR*EE monthly ‘Parent Empowerment 3-Pack’ at www.LorrainePursell.com.

My 3 Year Old Won’t Stay at the Table…

Published
by
LorraineP
on February 5, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
. 0 Comments

Dear Lorraine,
My 3 year old won’t sit at the table no matter what. He fusses, picks at his food and leaves and we can’t keep him there. He rarely eats what I make; he’s not really hungry because he raids my cupboards any time he wants. I’ve tried sending him to his room, but he even gets on top of the counters to get snacks I hide in the highest shelves and I worry about him falling off. We’re frustrated and mad. He’s a very sweet boy, but how can we stop this?
LG, Watsonville, CA

Dear Lonely Diner,
Here’s what you do:

1- Announce your new eating routine. Your new family tradition is this: everyone eats together at dinner and stays at the table until they are excused by you. All snacking stops 1 hour before meal time. Snacks are light and fresh, like fruit and veggie slices.

2- If he’s starving when you pick him up from daycare, plan ahead and have a few whole grain crackers and fresh fruit slices in the car for the ride home. It’s very important that others in his life are on board for consistency, i.e. Grandma, daycare providers and family members: No food 1 hour before dinner time.

3- Because he may really be hungry due to growing, please let him eat veggies and healthy snacks freely until that hour before. You don’t want to send the message that he can’t eat when he’s hungry.

4- When he complains, remind him that dinner’s on the way. Show him a timer so he can watch the hour arrive, and have him set the table and help you cook. When kids are part of the prep, they’re more likely to eat. Another tip: bring him in on the weekly menu planning. This way, he gets some of the foods he likes, and still expands his palette.

5- Climbing on the counters to reach high snacks? This could be a symptom of desperation. Sometimes kids eat like this when they’re troubled or there’s a family issue that’s not being talked about. Our kids simply reflect us. What’s going on with you that may be hidden? Are you happy and honest with yourself? His ‘sneaking’ could indicate something bigger. That being said, put the goodies that ruin his appetite in a locked cupboard- put a small hasp and lock on your ‘empty carb stash’ that’s only opened by you for occasional enjoyment together. Stray from using these foods as reward.

6- MOST IMPORTANT STEP: Calmly remind him at meal time, “In our family, we all sit at the table for dinner.” When he resists and he leaves, remove his plate and make sure that there’s no food available for him until morning at breakfast. This isn’t harsh, this is necessary. Watch for food in the fridge- put munchies where he can’t get them, and for a time you may need to stop buying some things your family enjoys, but it will be worth it.

7- Tantrums are to be expected. Acknowledge his frustration, and remind him of your new tradition: eating is at meal times except for healthy snacks up to 1 hour before. Weekends are the best time to really perfect this new structure if you’re a busy working parent. After you acknowledge his frustration, ignore him. Tell him that when he’s relaxed you can have time together again. Be firm about this. No spanking, hitting or yelling please. Just be calm. Train him that you’ll respond to him when he stops acting out.

There you go. This works. Your consistency is the key. And your calmness. Repeat the same routine daily, and within 1 week, if you really mean business, he’ll understand your new family rule. Soon he’ll relax in the security that you mean what you say. I promise.

Send your questions and comments to: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com with ‘Ask Aunt Lorraine’ in the subject or P. O. Box 555, Honaunau, Hawai’i 96726. Thank you!

Want to use this article? You may IF you add the entire following blurb:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and educational therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Want to raise responsible kids who connect with you? Go to www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com. And claim your FR*EE monthly ‘Parent Empowerment 4-Pack’ at www.LorrainePursell.com.

Published
by
LorraineP
on February 3, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

Okay, I’m sitting here in my almost-finished-cottage, editing my new, hot year-long coaching program, “The Closeness You Crave: Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect To You,” and I hear Ryan Seacrest on the radio say that Brittney Spears is enlisting her Dad and Kfed to come on tour with her- JUST TO SUPPORT THE KIDS! Now this is what I call innovative parenting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you, Brittney. You GOT IT! I don’t care what kinds of issues we have as parents, if we pull our heads out, this is what counts! Don’t cha love it professional parents? Figure out a way to support your precious kids from feeling abandoned. You’re DONE! DUH- grandparents, exes, who cares? Listen to your kids. They’ll tell you what and who they need! Earn enough money to pay your sub-parents’ way wherever you go. I fully support this. After all, we are the FIRST generation to raise our children alone!

Can you tell I’m passionate about this? Brittney, I love you- you’re taking care of your bambinos FIRST while you progress your career. Thank you.

This reminds me of one night at Bittersweet Bistro in Aptos, CA a few years back. Elizabeth, the owner, had her little boy with her. It was rather late in the evening; he was in his ‘jammies, about to eat a gourmet dinner made by his Dad. He was upset and didn’t want his Mom to leave him and seat people, even though he’d have the finest care with the Aunties at the restaurant. He wanted her to sit with him while he ate dinner. I could sense that her young son (maybe 6 or 7) had had it with her late nights hosting guests at the family fine restaurant. And I watched the most marvelous thing- she sat down with him. She spent time with him. She checked in and out with the front door, but was by his side most of the time.

This is what our kids need. Give them what they are asking for. Do what you can to meet their emotional needs. Often our children cry out for just a curl-up on our laps, a little story, and a little attention. I’ve found in my counseling career that if you give people what they say they want, it’s finished. Overcome your barriers and just do it. Trust them. Listen to them. Give them what they say they need from you and all will be right-as-rain real soon.

This is the simple solution. Is your child fussing? Ask “What do you need from me right now?” and do it. Read the same book for the 40th time. Put your feet up while your baby wants to snuggle. Put them at ease and show them that you are there for them when they need you most. Just ask what you would like at your child’s age. It’s usually a simple answer- simply some undivided attention with the person you love more than anyone in the Universe: my Mom or Dad.

Email your comments to lorraine@lorrainepursell.com. Please put ‘Evolving Parent’ in the subject. Thank you!

Want to use this article? You may freely IF you add the entire following blurb:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.