Archive for the 'Ask Aunt Lorraine' Category

My 3 Year Old Won’t Stay at the Table…

Published
by
LorraineP
on February 5, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
. 0 Comments

Dear Lorraine,
My 3 year old won’t sit at the table no matter what. He fusses, picks at his food and leaves and we can’t keep him there. He rarely eats what I make; he’s not really hungry because he raids my cupboards any time he wants. I’ve tried sending him to his room, but he even gets on top of the counters to get snacks I hide in the highest shelves and I worry about him falling off. We’re frustrated and mad. He’s a very sweet boy, but how can we stop this?
LG, Watsonville, CA

Dear Lonely Diner,
Here’s what you do:

1- Announce your new eating routine. Your new family tradition is this: everyone eats together at dinner and stays at the table until they are excused by you. All snacking stops 1 hour before meal time. Snacks are light and fresh, like fruit and veggie slices.

2- If he’s starving when you pick him up from daycare, plan ahead and have a few whole grain crackers and fresh fruit slices in the car for the ride home. It’s very important that others in his life are on board for consistency, i.e. Grandma, daycare providers and family members: No food 1 hour before dinner time.

3- Because he may really be hungry due to growing, please let him eat veggies and healthy snacks freely until that hour before. You don’t want to send the message that he can’t eat when he’s hungry.

4- When he complains, remind him that dinner’s on the way. Show him a timer so he can watch the hour arrive, and have him set the table and help you cook. When kids are part of the prep, they’re more likely to eat. Another tip: bring him in on the weekly menu planning. This way, he gets some of the foods he likes, and still expands his palette.

5- Climbing on the counters to reach high snacks? This could be a symptom of desperation. Sometimes kids eat like this when they’re troubled or there’s a family issue that’s not being talked about. Our kids simply reflect us. What’s going on with you that may be hidden? Are you happy and honest with yourself? His ‘sneaking’ could indicate something bigger. That being said, put the goodies that ruin his appetite in a locked cupboard- put a small hasp and lock on your ‘empty carb stash’ that’s only opened by you for occasional enjoyment together. Stray from using these foods as reward.

6- MOST IMPORTANT STEP: Calmly remind him at meal time, “In our family, we all sit at the table for dinner.” When he resists and he leaves, remove his plate and make sure that there’s no food available for him until morning at breakfast. This isn’t harsh, this is necessary. Watch for food in the fridge- put munchies where he can’t get them, and for a time you may need to stop buying some things your family enjoys, but it will be worth it.

7- Tantrums are to be expected. Acknowledge his frustration, and remind him of your new tradition: eating is at meal times except for healthy snacks up to 1 hour before. Weekends are the best time to really perfect this new structure if you’re a busy working parent. After you acknowledge his frustration, ignore him. Tell him that when he’s relaxed you can have time together again. Be firm about this. No spanking, hitting or yelling please. Just be calm. Train him that you’ll respond to him when he stops acting out.

There you go. This works. Your consistency is the key. And your calmness. Repeat the same routine daily, and within 1 week, if you really mean business, he’ll understand your new family rule. Soon he’ll relax in the security that you mean what you say. I promise.

Send your questions and comments to: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com with ‘Ask Aunt Lorraine’ in the subject or P. O. Box 555, Honaunau, Hawai’i 96726. Thank you!

Want to use this article? You may IF you add the entire following blurb:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and educational therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Want to raise responsible kids who connect with you? Go to www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com. And claim your FR*EE monthly ‘Parent Empowerment 4-Pack’ at www.LorrainePursell.com.

[Ask Aunt Lorraine] “My Heart is Breaking…”

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 22, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
. 0 Comments

“Lorraine, my heart is just BREAKING! My son, who as you know is the light of my life, is calling me over-protective, old-fashioned and unreasonable because I’m not letting him go to the movies with his girlfriend (what?) and his friend and HIS friend’s girlfriend. His friend’s parent is dropping them off, and this is supposed to be cool, even though I haven’t met the Dad or the son, and didn’t even know my son HAD a girlfriend.

“He says that he’s going to be unpopular with his friends if I need to meet the parents and the kids before he can get together with them. My darling boy, who’s been compliant until now, is just 11 ½ years old. Am I being unreasonable to say no to this and that I want to meet his friend, his girlfriend and this Dad?”

“Dear Breaking Heart,

“You are so right to be alarmed and to put your foot down! In fact, if you don’t, he’ll probably resent you later because you didn’t care enough about him to find these things out. It’s most important is that you feel comfortable about who influences your son. You can, and I feel that you should, control this, especially at 11 years old, for goodness sake! Follow your instinct. Trust your inner voice. No one knows better than a parent, what’s going on in their child’s life- IF they pay attention to their inner guidance.

“What happens a lot of times is parents get confused and overwhelmed by this sudden shift in their child’s behavior and are caught off-guard; their family’s sailing along in pretty calm waters, and all of a sudden the storms set in. Everyone’s off-balance and the child comes into command because the parent doesn’t want to be unpopular- they miss the closeness they once had when their child was younger. The stunned mom or dad scurry about trying to make sense of this new season in their child’s development.

“What’s really going on here is normal individuating. This occurs roughly at 2 years old and again at 12 years old, and is an imperative segment in your child’s healthy development. This is when your child exercises their independence and learns to stretch their wings, as well they should, because if they didn’t, they’d never leave and you’d never have a life!

“But, don’t make the mistake of striving to be popular with your child at the expense of your inner-knowing. As you are firm yet reasonable, and stick to your convictions about what you can tolerate and what you cannot, your son will learn that you are still the parent and that there’s LOTS to discuss now. You’ve both entered the wild-west, and you’re certainly a pioneer now in your own parenting journey.

“It comes down to this: When you can say, ‘I love you more than my own convenience- I answer to a Higher Source about how I raise you. It’s not my job to have you love me or like me, but it IS my job to do the Right Parent Thing.’ Then it all falls into place.

“Myself, I was so freaked out at this phase of my parenting that I chose to hire 2 counselors to help me navigate these uncharted waters with my son.

“But when he was 19 and away at college, he called to thank me that I hadn’t let him walk all over me when he was a teen. If you do it right, your son will say the same thing to you. Check out my year-long coaching program, “The Closeness You Crave: Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect To You” at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com for all the support and guidance you’ll need to finish off your stellar parenting career.

“I applaud you for your courage. It takes a brave soul to follow your heart at this juncture. You are doing the right thing. Stand strong and trust your inner voice to carry you through to the end. I am here for you. I love you.”

Email your questions and comments to: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com. Please put ‘Ask Aunt Lorraine’ in the subject.

You may use or reprint this article IF you include the entire following blurb:

Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

Ask Aunt Lorraine

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 5, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine and Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

“Ask Aunt Lorraine”

Out-Of-Control Teen:

I have an out-of-control teen. He’s really rude to me and I can’t seem to stop it. He’s a good boy who gets good grades, but his mouth is really disrespectful. I know he loves me, but how can I stop this mouthiness and name-calling?

Dear Mom Deserving Respect:

Well, my dear, these issues do not form overnight, so the fix will take some time. But if you truly love your son, these are the steps you need to take NOW!

1-      Sit him down in a calm time and tell him that you’ve made a terrible mistake by allowing him to talk to you this way.

2-      Tell him that you are truly sorry for not doing the “Right Parent Thing.”

3-      Announce that some things are changing starting right now.

4-      He is now expected to contribute to the family without using abusive words or attitudes. Ask him to choose and commit to doing 2 daily tasks, 3 weekly tasks and 1 monthly task that helps your family run smoothly. It’s important that these contributions are not done in exchange for money- these are his contributions, just like everyone else’s contributions.

5-      He also is expected to take care of his own laundry, keep his room clean, and help with dinner, setting the table and cleaning the dishes.

6-      Explain that these contributions are to be finished before any extracurricular activities take place, and that he can be excused after you’ve checked and approved his work.

7-      If abusive words or attitudes come from him, you’re ready to remove privileges: Time with friends; Phone privileges; Computer privileges; TV time.

8-      Be prepared for a time of testing when he sees if you really mean what you say. You MUST do what you say you will do- if you don’t, your credibility goes down the toilet. (Because of your son’s ingrained habits, you may only have a couple of good chances left to restore him.)

9-      When you’re shaking in your boots and feeling intimidated, say, “I love you enough to put you above my own convenience. It’s not my job for you to love me or to like me- It’s my job to do ‘The Right Parent Thing’.”

10-  Slowly watch the fruits of your labor pay off. When you remove privileges and are consistent, he’ll learn that HE chooses whether or not he gets to do the things he wants.

Why is this so important? Besides getting the respect you deserve, you’re making an example of him to your other children (if you have others)- they’ll learn that you mean business and don’t mess with Mom. You’re training him how to act in the real world and how to do things he doesn’t really want to do- like respect an employer.

Most important, you’re showing him how to treat women. Requiring that he speak respectfully to you shows him how to treat his girlfriends and wife later.

The keys are to be consistent, do what you say you will, and be prepared for a storm, but never give up! Your efforts will be worth it. Great luck and blessings to you!

Send Lorraine Pursell, MA, BCET, “The Parent Mentor,” your questions at lorraine@lorrainepursell.com.

[Ask Aunt Lorraine] Distraught Mom

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 1, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
. 0 Comments

Yesterday I got this question via email:

“Wondered if you could shed some light on this subject?
I am a Mom of 3, and my youngest daughter (age 19) just ran off and got married to someone we don’t know!  She is diagnosed bipolar and had been on meds for awhile, etc. but irrational decisions are much a part of her personality!  As I am very close to her, I am just so upset over this, and cannot seem to cope.  She has told me she is happy but I have heard this before, but of course I know there really is nothing I can do.  I need to help myself now, and just need some type of help coping.  Hopefully, you may have some insight on this, and perhaps a little guidance for a distraught Mom!”

Dear Distraught Mom:

You are right- this is your time. Your daughter may be bi-polar and irrationality may be part of this, but it’s really out of your hands. Please let her know that you are there for her no matter what, and in the right time, she’ll come to you. But for now, your hands are tied.

The most important thing is to believe that she’s done the best for herself at this point in time. She is an adult and on her long, and adventurous life without Mom. Please always support her choices if she says she’s happy, and only give advice if she asks for it. This will keep you in the loop. You want to set the stage so she’s not humiliated or feels an “I told you so” coming from you. This will make it immensely easier to come back. When she says she’s happy, say that you are so glad, and keep it light. Ask what she’s been doing and just chat, keeping the channels open.

Now for you, my dear. You must calm your nerves. This is the moment we all dread as mothers- When our babies leave. Realize that she’s 19, whole and complete. It’s time for her to make her own mistakes. All you can do at this point is to make her comfortable with your relationship and wanting more of you. You do this by chilling and taking care of you. Find what YOU want to do, indulge in hobbies, volunteering, visiting. It’s time to discover who you are again. And enjoy. This is the best time of your life.

Homework or Not?

Published
by
LorraineP
on November 11, 2008
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
. 0 Comments

Last night I gave a talk at Hualalai Academy on the Big Island of Hawaii. The topic was “End Homework Torture NOW!” I went along with my program until suddenly a parent said, “But what about a life for my kid?!” She relayed that her son spends 4-5 hours a night on homework, then another parent mirrored the same drudge of hours saying that she was up until midnight with her daughter the night before. The dark circles under her eyes were telling. So this is what I said:

There comes a point when you might need to choose: Do you want your child to strive for As, is that most important to you, or do you choose to settle for Bs and Cs and enjoy life a little?

Neither choice is right or wrong. Your child needs structure, and I think we all agree on that. And certainly, the most recommended way to do homework is right after school, before phone, video games, friends, etc. Once your child has checked in with you and you’ve perused their work, THEN the games can begin. This keeps your household sane, provides time to be a family and gets the dirty deed out of the way!

The exception is if your child willingly does their homework without excuse or giving you grief, then they may relax first. But my most important concern is YOU and your family’s health. If this doesn’t work, go to the structure.

I had a client whose Jr. High daughter, I’ll call her Sue, was wreaking havoc on the family. Sue hated homework and resented having to do it- and hated everyone else in the process! Doors slammed, yelling flew, and spiteful comments flourished- until I was called on the scene. I enlightened my client to the fact that Sue was dominating the family, and that her suffering until late hours was harmful to the family peace.

I proposed a strategy of structure, homework done immediately after school, and no fun stuff until Sue ended her misery. Homework that wasn’t finished before 8pm was incomplete. Mom and Dad were there to help Sue as long as she was respectful and appreciative to them.

It worked. Sue began to bloom after the initial 2 weeks of chafing, but in essence, we ‘saved Sue from herself.’ Sometimes we give our children so much rein that they don’t know what to do with it, so tasks go on forever. But with a little structure, your child will eventually work within the boundaries you’ve set, and be GREATLY relieved!

So, Homework or Not? You may just decide that you want to have more fun with your child and your family. You may decide that there’s just plain too much homework. And this is a fine choice, too. I explained in my talk that even though to them it may seem that their parenting job will never end, it actually does.

I told of Mark’s 17th birthday when he handed me a paper to sign permitting him to join the Marines. He told me point-blank, that whether I signed it or not, he was going to enlist at 18, that this was his calling, and I knew deep down inside that it was true; always the scout, army Halloween costumes, Army Navy Surplus Store fascination, my son is a born soldier. I couldn’t deny him his passion, so I signed. He went to Iraq and I wasn’t clear whether I’d see my most precious person on the face of the earth again!

They DO go away. Count on that. And how do you want to spend your time for those amazingly potent 18 years? I believe that the crux is in balance. How do you spend oodles of time with them, give them a fun life and still teach follow-through, keeping commitments, doing good work and other things that guarantee high self-image? I guess we do both- boycott homework to an extent and do homework as much as you are willing for the quality of life you want in your family.

That’s what I did, and I’m eternally grateful.

Get Lorraine’s F-R-E-E monthly ezine, Evolving Parent at www.LorrainePursell.com and

Be Empowered in Your Greatest Job on Earth!

Welcome to my blog

Published
by
LorraineP
on October 19, 2008
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
. 0 Comments

Welcome to my blog. I’m glad you’re checking it out. I’ll be writing often now because Parmalee Taff, owner of Santa Cruz Parent (www.santacruzparent.com) has asked me to blog for her, so I’ll post the same blog here. Cool!

How are you doing and how’s the family? I hope you take time for you this weekend.

I’m loving life on the Big Island of Hawai’i; our coffee farm overlooks 10 miles of coast. We live a simple life- water catchment and solar. Ken’s built the most charming cottage at 2000′ elevation. Nothing is between us and Muana Loa volcano except cows who visit often with their babies. I traded my Miata for a Jeep with serious mud tires.

It’s lovely here. Lots of heart and sweetness and mellowness- and it’s always warm.

Enough about me. I’d like to chat with you about Halloween, that great little event that starts the holiday season. The clocks get set back, it’s suddenly darker, and soon your kids are trick or treating. It’s a lot of fun.

What about those costumes. What’s appropriate? Please no Freddie Kruger stuff. I get scared when kids want to be bloody at Halloween or want to mimic horror flickstars. What are they doing watching these flicks anyway? I think that these films aren’t appropriate for kids OR adults.

The counselor in me is coming out now, but what message is your child getting loud and clear, and sub-consciously, as they watch and pretend they’re these characters?

For a young mind, tracks are laying down for horror and violence desensitization. I’ve known kids who like this genre at a young age, but I don’t suggest supporting their desire. Refrain from encouraging this tendency; I think your beloved child will be much better off for it.

Focus on the happy aspects of Halloween- the fun, the fall leaves, the cool pumpkins. Brainstorm with them about costume alternatives if they like this gory stuff. Go toward the wholesome. This is your baby. Bring out the angel.

Lorraine Pursell Parenting Evolution logo circleI love you. Do the Right Parent Thing.

Lorraine

Lorraine’s a parent mentor and educational therapist. She’s worked closely with families and educators since 1995. Be empowered in your Greatest Job On Earth- get your free Evolving Parent ezine at www.LorrainePursell.com now.