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Response from a Wise Teacher-Man

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 27, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

[I have the privilege of knowing a great teacher, Mr. Lee Hoover at Aptos Academy in Aptos, CA. I met Lee last summer in Kona, Hawai’i when he took his entire 6th grade class on the trip. He’s one of those teachers you remember for the rest of your life- in a good way.]

His response is to my blog on “Mouthy Teen:” (My comments are in parenthesis.)
“Hi Lorraine,

”I’d like to add to the comments that you gave about the mouthy teen. First, I agree with your advice, but there’s something behind a mouthy teen boy that I think needs to be explained to your concerned mother. I’ve been dealing with this issue for years, and being a male teacher, I feel I have added insights that many women don’t because we grow up so differently. I’ve had to explain this concept to many a mother in student conferences.

”The concept revolves around a basic survival need and practicing for the possibility of a fight. It’s the same basic principle practiced by dogs; when dogs, and most animals, are young they do a lot of physical wrestling/playing? Why? They’re preparing to leave the protection of their parents and go into the “real world,” a world where they may need to defend themselves from being hurt or killed.

”This holds true for our boys. It’s totally normal for boys in their teens to wrestle physically and mentally and learn concepts of ‘give and take.’ But when boys don’t understand this give and take because they haven’t practiced, they can turn normal, everyday events into ones of dominance and victimization. (Are these some of our aggressive, violent boys?)

We’ve been teaching boys to not fight physically for decades and to use their words instead. Some boys can participate in the wrestling matches of physical or mental (oral) nature and be alright. But others are dominated or victims because they haven’t had practice.

“These boys often come home and practice wrestling with their parents. They’re scared and need to learn how to stand up for themselves. It’s absolutely part of leaving the protection of your parents and preparing to take on a world that will take advantage of and walk right over you unless you learn to protect yourself. (Wow, very interesting. Is this part of why my son joined the Marines- the need to fight?)

”I feel it’s important for parents to understand this and use these opportunities to teach their male child how to battle orally, be proactive in his choice of words, debate non-emotionally, stand up for himself and not be dominated.

“When boys feel they’re losing these social battles, they need parents they can trust and ask advice from on how to deal with these new situations. It’s time for male role models to step in. I’m not sexist, but I feel your mother isn’t the best person to talk to this boy about defending himself against aggressive male behavior.

“Male role models and guides are crucial at this stage. (How about male karate teachers or some other physical, combative skill?) Especially single mothers need to actively find a male they can trust to spend time with their sons at this stage. I realize that women learn to defend themselves, too, but it’s different for men - especially those trying to break away from protective mothers.

“Teens using “bad” language are scared and trying to make themselves seem tougher by being shocking. I feel that your female parents should explain this to their sons and teach them to how to find powerful language without using inappropriate or disrespectful words.

I hope this helps, Lee Hoover (Aptos Academy)

(Thank you, Lee. I value your words of wisdom. Thank you so much for writing!)

Want to use this article? You may freely IF you add the entire following blurb:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

Busting Loose

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 27, 2009
in Parent Blog
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I spent the weekend with 25 folks in Puna, Hawai’i viewing Robert Schienfeld’s training ‘Busting Loose’- moving past what holds us back in life. Of course, it got me thinking of our kids.

Our kids easily open up our ‘cans-of-worms’- the feelings we long ago stashed in dark recesses and ran from. To give our kids credit, our stuff is supposed to surface; so they’re really doing us a favor. We’re so close to our children that discomforts surface as rapidly as oil surfaces in water no matter how deeply we buried it and ran.

Here are my steps for moving through your discomforts when you feel snappy, irritable, angry, or do something you regret. When your nerve’s been hit, you’re in the game!

1- Notice your discomfort. “Duh,” but watch yourself- you’ll probably want to scoot right past this step. You’re already in reaction mode (i.e. yelling, lecturing), and left your kid in the dust- “What’s up with Dad?”

2- Stop. You notice that you’re agitated. Take 5 seconds to find where in your body you feel creepy (your heart, stomach, arms, lower abdomen) and you’ll be miles ahead of those who think their kid is the problem. Hint: your kid is not the problem.

3- Now b-r-e-a-t-h-e. Tell Junior that you need a time-out. Go somewhere and breathe. If you can’t leave, breathe right there- give yourself a moment to reclaim sanity.

4- BULLETIN- THIS IS YOUR STUFF. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOUR CHILD. Your strong reaction means there’s something needing the light of day. Remedy the situation at hand with your youngster (gently), but ask yourself what got triggered inside you- the way your Mom treated you that you didn’t like? The way you were scolded over nothing? The mystery lies in your childhood, but you don’t need to find the exact incident that spawned your knee-jerk reaction- just know that this theme will repeat itself until you face it fully.

5- Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. You really are a little child inside, just as your child is now. Give yourself the love or attention you lacked when you were little. And give this same love and attention to your child that you wanted. You are now giving your issue the light of day- and evolving as a parent.

6- Know that your parents did the best they knew how- if you researched their upbringing, you’d see that they went well beyond their own parents’ limitations.

I promise that as you practice these steps, you’ll Bust Loose of what keeps you from what you want to be, do or have in life. It’s all tied together, and even though you want to blame your child for upsetting you, they’re really your liberation in disguise.

Want to use or reprint this article? You may IF you include this entire following blurb:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

The Perfect Time to Write

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 23, 2009
in Parent Blog
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Today I feel really rushed, and that I don’t have the time to indulge in writing a blog. So it’s the PERFECT TIME to do exactly what I want to do, and sit down with you and ‘talk story’ as we say in Hawai’i.

I’m sitting here on my porch of the ‘Taj Mahal Tent,’ our temporary structure while Ken finishes our beautiful little cottage at the top of our coffee farm, 2000’ elevation at the foot of Muana Loa volcano. We see 10 miles of unobstructed coastline from our perch. The sun is wonderfully warm and the view is indescribable. We have big waves the past 2 days because of a storm from Alaska, so I get to watch big crashes of white beat the black lava shores below. It’s magnificent.

And how are you? I think of you often in Your Greatest Job On Earth, and applaud you for your unceasing efforts to raise a responsible human who gives back to the world. I am here for you to serve you in any way I possibly can. You are awesome. Keep up your good work- it will pay off in the end, and every day that you stay-the-course is an investment in your child’s future. Bravo!

Yesterday was my Granddaughter Sadie Lorraine’s 2nd birthday. I indulged and listened to my recording of our last visit together when we ran through a puddle on a tennis court over and over again. Her laugh is divine. Her words (all free-flowing syllables) are fun to hear as she’s really communicating to me. For pictures of this day, my son and my little baby girl, go to www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

Then, there were the wonderful talks Mark and I had while Sadie and I were playing, and I realized afresh that our children always need us- they need to be able to connect to that closeness we develop while they are growing up and to know that no matter what, we are there for them. It was so fun spending time with my boy as we talked about anything that came up. I love it most of all when he calls me out-of-the-blue and just rambles and tells me about his jobs, his dreams, his life.

My grandson, Wyatt Allen Pursell was born on Saturday, January 17, 2009. He’s a big guy, and Mark says he’s a very compliant baby who takes very little extra care, unlike Sadie. I got to hear Wyatt snoring on the phone while Mark was ‘wearing’ him. For those who wonder what the heck ‘wearing your baby’ means, you put them in a Mobi or some big sheet of cloth, wrap it securely around your body with baby in it, and go about your business and do your thing. In my day we used ‘Snugglis.’

Oh, let’s see- what else? Well, I’ve been merrily working away on my year-long coaching program, “The Closeness You Crave: Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You!” It’s been a privilege to witness the transformation, encouragement, healing and RELIEF of my participants since this is my mission on earth- empowering parents. It feels so good to be in the flow of my purpose. (www.ClosenessYouCrave.com)

Signing off for now. My love to you. You are in my heart and on my mind, and I send you empowerment!

-Lorraine

You may freely reprint and use this article IF you include the entire following blurb:
Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect To You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

[Ask Aunt Lorraine] “My Heart is Breaking…”

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 22, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine
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“Lorraine, my heart is just BREAKING! My son, who as you know is the light of my life, is calling me over-protective, old-fashioned and unreasonable because I’m not letting him go to the movies with his girlfriend (what?) and his friend and HIS friend’s girlfriend. His friend’s parent is dropping them off, and this is supposed to be cool, even though I haven’t met the Dad or the son, and didn’t even know my son HAD a girlfriend.

“He says that he’s going to be unpopular with his friends if I need to meet the parents and the kids before he can get together with them. My darling boy, who’s been compliant until now, is just 11 ½ years old. Am I being unreasonable to say no to this and that I want to meet his friend, his girlfriend and this Dad?”

“Dear Breaking Heart,

“You are so right to be alarmed and to put your foot down! In fact, if you don’t, he’ll probably resent you later because you didn’t care enough about him to find these things out. It’s most important is that you feel comfortable about who influences your son. You can, and I feel that you should, control this, especially at 11 years old, for goodness sake! Follow your instinct. Trust your inner voice. No one knows better than a parent, what’s going on in their child’s life- IF they pay attention to their inner guidance.

“What happens a lot of times is parents get confused and overwhelmed by this sudden shift in their child’s behavior and are caught off-guard; their family’s sailing along in pretty calm waters, and all of a sudden the storms set in. Everyone’s off-balance and the child comes into command because the parent doesn’t want to be unpopular- they miss the closeness they once had when their child was younger. The stunned mom or dad scurry about trying to make sense of this new season in their child’s development.

“What’s really going on here is normal individuating. This occurs roughly at 2 years old and again at 12 years old, and is an imperative segment in your child’s healthy development. This is when your child exercises their independence and learns to stretch their wings, as well they should, because if they didn’t, they’d never leave and you’d never have a life!

“But, don’t make the mistake of striving to be popular with your child at the expense of your inner-knowing. As you are firm yet reasonable, and stick to your convictions about what you can tolerate and what you cannot, your son will learn that you are still the parent and that there’s LOTS to discuss now. You’ve both entered the wild-west, and you’re certainly a pioneer now in your own parenting journey.

“It comes down to this: When you can say, ‘I love you more than my own convenience- I answer to a Higher Source about how I raise you. It’s not my job to have you love me or like me, but it IS my job to do the Right Parent Thing.’ Then it all falls into place.

“Myself, I was so freaked out at this phase of my parenting that I chose to hire 2 counselors to help me navigate these uncharted waters with my son.

“But when he was 19 and away at college, he called to thank me that I hadn’t let him walk all over me when he was a teen. If you do it right, your son will say the same thing to you. Check out my year-long coaching program, “The Closeness You Crave: Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect To You” at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com for all the support and guidance you’ll need to finish off your stellar parenting career.

“I applaud you for your courage. It takes a brave soul to follow your heart at this juncture. You are doing the right thing. Stand strong and trust your inner voice to carry you through to the end. I am here for you. I love you.”

Email your questions and comments to: lorraine@lorrainepursell.com. Please put ‘Ask Aunt Lorraine’ in the subject.

You may use or reprint this article IF you include the entire following blurb:

Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and see How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect With You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

Inauguration Day and Family Team

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 20, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

Inauguration Day and Family Team

It feels today like it felt when Kennedy was in office- magic and hope are swirling about. Barak and Michelle Obama are definitely bringing in a new era. But it’s not really Camelot this time. I don’t know what it is. What I do know is that people are hopeful again and this is HUGE!

When there is hope, especially in the masses, miracle can happen. Barak is our guidepost for our new way of thinking and our new way of perceiving this world- our ‘Earth School.’

Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country.” Barak says that we all need to pitch in and sacrifice to make change happen and bring forth the dreams we all want.

We’re ‘stuffed’ as a nation and a world (those who were able), much as over-indulging at Thanksgiving dinner and our other holiday feasts. Now we’re fat and sloppy and lethargic, and it’s time to exercise, cut-back our consumption- even fast and go without food at all for a while.

Yes, Barak, we’ll all pitch in and help. In fact, all of us pitching in and doing our fair share (and sometimes a little more) is the ONLY way to make this Titanic turn around.

This is exactly the posture I encourage in families. Everyone pitches in and does their fair share- and a little more- to keep their family running smoothly. It’s the Family Team. One person doesn’t lounge around while the others slave away, usually the heads-of-household, exhausted from carrying others’ loads. Forget it!

I appreciate that Obama puts the responsibility squarely on our shoulders, just as I encourage parents to do with their children. The onus is ours. He’s not said he’s a miracle-worker- we’re all the miracle workers each and every day when we do our fair share (and a little more) and work together as a team. Hope is magic. Their inauguration today, and the team-mentality they usher in, is the metaphor for where each and every Family Team needs to veer toward.

Thank you, Barak and Michelle, for bringing hope and magic alive in us again. We’ll ‘suit up’ and play as the national and global teams that we really are.

Since 1995, Lorraine Pursell, family counselor and Educational Therapist, empowers parents in Their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and learn How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect To You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

Top 7 Tips: Inspire Dreaming in Your Child (or Yourself)

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 18, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

In honor of the great Martin Luther King, Jr., I give you the Top 7 Tips to inspire dreaming in your child:

1-      Straight-up ask them. “Hey, Babe, what do you REALLY want to Be, Do or Have?” Spend time cultivating their imagination.

2-      Talk about your own dreams and aspirations often.

3-      Look through travel magazines together and ID places you’d like to go. Go on trips in your imagination.

4-      Make collages of all the things you want to create in your lives- cut stuff out of different print materials, and draw things you can’t find but want to have. Then hang your pictures up and spend time with them imagining and talking about the pictures and what they mean to you and him or her.

5-      Ask them to imagine what they want to be and tell you how that would feel- the point is for them to already be ‘it.’ Tell them that these dreams can come true.

6-      Take imaginary trips in each others’ dreamscapes. Spend time feeling the experiences and talking about them. Out of the blue, say, “Let’s pretend we’re explorers. Where are we right now and what are we finding?”

7-      And lastly, anything is right. Start small if you have to: “What does your imaginary puppy or friend (or girlfriend for a teen) look like and what are they doing right now?”

In my 13+ years of working with kids and families, I find that very few kids have dreams. How did this happen? Maybe there’s so much artificial imagination in TV, video and other media, that this simple skill has been aborted.

What’s your dream? Mine is to be The World-Wide Parent Mentor. I dare you to dream- BIG- so your child can cultivate this simple and pleasurable ability. Have a dream!

Lorraine Pursell is a family counselor and Educational Therapist living in Hawai’i, serving parents in their Greatest Job On Earth. Get your F*R*E*E monthly Evolving Parent Empowerment 4-Pack at www.LorrainePursell.com, and learn How to Raise Responsible Kids Who Connect to You at www.TheClosenessYouCrave.com.

Making Peace with Myself: I Am Where I Am

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 6, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

Making Peace with Myself: “I Am Where I Am”

Where do you want to be- right now? I mean emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Or maybe it IS a physical place- Why not? Maybe you want to be in New York. Maybe you want to be in San Francisco. Maybe you want to be in the Caribbean. Or maybe in Hawai’i like me (it is awesome).

But you’re not. Maybe you want to be patient with your child. Maybe you want to care more about their school work. Maybe you want to be more loving to your mate. Maybe you want to hug your baby more.

The absolute truth is that you’re doing your best right now. Yes, you can polish up your edges a little and be brighter and shinier, but usually you’re not exactly where you’d like to be- yet.

A big key for happiness is to make peace with where you are. Say, “I want to be over there, I desire with all my heart to be better with my child and I’m doing everything I can to get there, but it will happen all in good time. I’ll meet my destination at the perfect time and that’s just fine!”

Peace. I’ll be there in good time. Not “I want to be there, but I’m here instead! Argh!” This is anguish. You don’t want anguish.

Spend time languishing in “being there” already. Yes, I’m asking you to daydream like you used to do in class. Imagine that you’re already that loving parent you want to be, lounging on a Caribbean beach with your beloved child, caring tons about her school work and patiently explaining long division to her. Throw in the Margarita, the striped umbrella and the cute waiter, too. What does that feel like? Stay there. Wallow in it. What comes next? Are you running to the waves and taking a dip in the crystal clear water? Stay there. Swim. Tread water as you feel the sun on your face. Couldn’t you just hang in that ocean for hours?

Employing those good feelings is luscious. Indulge. Is the feeling the destination? I don’t know, but it could be. As long as you can conjure up your good feelings and dream, you are closer. I invite you to live in your greatest desire. Describe it, paint it, play in it, imagine and dream it. Teach your child to time-travel and dream with you. Or better yet, let her show YOU how to day dream again- she’s probably dreaming right now.

Ask Aunt Lorraine

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 5, 2009
in Ask Aunt Lorraine and Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

“Ask Aunt Lorraine”

Out-Of-Control Teen:

I have an out-of-control teen. He’s really rude to me and I can’t seem to stop it. He’s a good boy who gets good grades, but his mouth is really disrespectful. I know he loves me, but how can I stop this mouthiness and name-calling?

Dear Mom Deserving Respect:

Well, my dear, these issues do not form overnight, so the fix will take some time. But if you truly love your son, these are the steps you need to take NOW!

1-      Sit him down in a calm time and tell him that you’ve made a terrible mistake by allowing him to talk to you this way.

2-      Tell him that you are truly sorry for not doing the “Right Parent Thing.”

3-      Announce that some things are changing starting right now.

4-      He is now expected to contribute to the family without using abusive words or attitudes. Ask him to choose and commit to doing 2 daily tasks, 3 weekly tasks and 1 monthly task that helps your family run smoothly. It’s important that these contributions are not done in exchange for money- these are his contributions, just like everyone else’s contributions.

5-      He also is expected to take care of his own laundry, keep his room clean, and help with dinner, setting the table and cleaning the dishes.

6-      Explain that these contributions are to be finished before any extracurricular activities take place, and that he can be excused after you’ve checked and approved his work.

7-      If abusive words or attitudes come from him, you’re ready to remove privileges: Time with friends; Phone privileges; Computer privileges; TV time.

8-      Be prepared for a time of testing when he sees if you really mean what you say. You MUST do what you say you will do- if you don’t, your credibility goes down the toilet. (Because of your son’s ingrained habits, you may only have a couple of good chances left to restore him.)

9-      When you’re shaking in your boots and feeling intimidated, say, “I love you enough to put you above my own convenience. It’s not my job for you to love me or to like me- It’s my job to do ‘The Right Parent Thing’.”

10-  Slowly watch the fruits of your labor pay off. When you remove privileges and are consistent, he’ll learn that HE chooses whether or not he gets to do the things he wants.

Why is this so important? Besides getting the respect you deserve, you’re making an example of him to your other children (if you have others)- they’ll learn that you mean business and don’t mess with Mom. You’re training him how to act in the real world and how to do things he doesn’t really want to do- like respect an employer.

Most important, you’re showing him how to treat women. Requiring that he speak respectfully to you shows him how to treat his girlfriends and wife later.

The keys are to be consistent, do what you say you will, and be prepared for a storm, but never give up! Your efforts will be worth it. Great luck and blessings to you!

Send Lorraine Pursell, MA, BCET, “The Parent Mentor,” your questions at lorraine@lorrainepursell.com.

Stop, Drop and Talk

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 2, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

Recently, I was reminded about how important this simple message is. Remember during school fire drills we were instructed to “Stop, Drop and Roll” when our clothes were on fire? Well, just as important as putting out clothes-on-fire is putting-out-troubles with our kids before they happen.

Stop, Drop and Talk is a component of my new program, “12 Simple Secrets All Parents Crave.” It was the members’ challenge for last month: Every time your child comes to you and wants to talk, you’re to stop what you’re doing, drop everything, turn to your child and talk with them.

Why is this so important?

What message does this action convey to your child?

What are you building for the future when you do this?

It may not be so obvious at first, but if you imagine someone doing this for you, you’ll get the gist. Take a moment and see yourself feeling really inspired. You’re excited and you go to someone you look up to and who you love and admire. You want to tell them something and can hardly wait. They stop what they are doing, no matter how important it is, they drop whatever’s in their hands, they turn to you and look you in the eyes and listen intently to what you have to say, whether it’s gibberish or not. How does that feel? What message does this action convey to you? How likely are you to want to keep talking to this person?

There are times when we cannot drop what we’re doing right now. In these cases, my parents are instructed to: Make a promise that in a few minutes or within the hour, if possible, to hear what your child has to tell you. Explain that what they have to say is very important to you and have them tell you what it’s about so you’ll both remember.

This Simple Secret can save your relationship with your child. Fast forward to your child at 13 or 16 years old. Do you think they’ll want to talk to you about what’s burning in their heart? Do you think they’ll trust you with divulging their moral dilemma? More than likely if we haven’t embedded our willingness to hear whatever our child has to say, these crucial moments will belong to their trusted friend or their friend’s trusted parent, or someone you don’t want your child confiding in.

Adopt Stop, Drop and Talk today. It’s insurance that your child will tell you what really matters when it does.

What About Goals for Kids?

Published
by
LorraineP
on January 1, 2009
in Parent Blog
. 0 Comments

What About 2009 Goals for Kids?

We all made our resolutions and goals last night. Did you include you child? Today is a great day to do this.

Ask:

1-      What do you want to go better this year than last?

2-      What do you really want this year to be like for you?

3-      What are your school goals?

4-      What one habit do you want to change?

If you have a really little one, simply ask what they want more than anything in the world? Get their imagination going and support them. Opening up and keeping open our child’s dreamscape is imperative to having happy, creative kids. Let them dream and support their dreams, no matter how far-fetched they may seem.

If, by any chance, you notice some resistance in yourself as they ask for the world, look within. Perhaps this is an opportunity to retrieve your little child that used to believe in miracles. This is the miracle that our children bring to us on a daily basis. Look at any responses, either verbal or mental, that would say, “Well, let’s be realistic,” “I should bring my child back to earth or s/he’ll get hurt and disappointed,” or “Oh, that’s sweet, honey, but let’s dream of something you can really do this year.”

Let’s resolve for 2009 to believe and dream again. Let’s wake up our lost inner children and immerse our adult selves back into the world of fantasy. Some believe that thoughts are things. If this is true, wouldn’t you rather be soaring like a bird or dancing with fairies like your child does?